Why Are We So Bad at Small Talk—and What Can We Do About It?

Socialization

I’ll be honest—small talk never came naturally to me. As an occupational therapist, I’ve had years of practice engaging with patients in casual conversations, which has helped me get better. But put me in an unfamiliar setting, and the awkwardness still creeps in. That said, I’ve come to realize how essential the skills of small talk and overcoming social discomfort are, especially in a world increasingly dominated by screens and digital interactions.

Screens have reshaped our communication, often replacing face-to-face interactions with quick texts and emojis. While technology has its place, it’s also eroding our ability to navigate real-life conversations. Small talk bridges that gap, fostering trust and connection in both personal and professional settings. In fact, small talk serves as the gateway to deeper relationships and opportunities, whether at work or in social circles.

🔬 What the Science Says

• Mood and Loneliness: A 2022 study in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that brief social interactions with strangers—even small talk—boost mood and reduce feelings of loneliness.

• Social Bonding: Small talk triggers the release of oxytocin, the "bonding hormone," promoting feelings of trust and connection.

• Stress Reduction: Engaging in casual conversations helps lower cortisol levels, making new or intimidating environments feel less overwhelming.

• Professional Growth: Research from Harvard Business School highlights that individuals who excel at small talk tend to advance further in their careers due to their enhanced networking abilities.

✅ Mastering Small Talk

Here are strategies for small talk, some of which I borrowed from Matt Abrahams book, Think Faster, Think Smarter.

1. 💬 Start With Simple Openers:
   "What’s been the highlight of your day so far?"
   "What brings you here today?"
   "I love your [specific item]. Where did you find it?"

2. 🧱 Use Structures: Borrow the "What? So what? Now what?" framework. For example:
   What: "This event seems great."
   So what: "It’s such a nice way to connect with people."
   Now what: "Have you been to similar events before?"

3. 🤔 Be Curious, Not Interesting: Focus on being interested in others rather than trying to impress. Ask questions and listen actively.

4. 🧠 Mirror and Match: Align your tone and energy with the person you’re speaking to. It builds instant connection.

5. 🧘 Manage Anxiety: Try deep belly breathing—inhale deeply and exhale for twice as long to calm nerves and regulate your nervous system.

6. 🔄 Interrupt Gracefully: Use paraphrasing to pivot from long-winded talkers: "That’s a great point about [topic]. I’ve been curious about [related topic]."

7. ☕ Practice in Low-Stakes Settings: Chat with baristas, cashiers, or neighbors to build confidence in casual conversations.

8. 🔇 Use Filler Words Sparingly: Keep an ear out for "ums" and "uhs." Apps like Poised or LikeSo can help you clean up your speech.

9. 🌤️ Bring in Shared Experiences: Comment on something you’re both experiencing, like the weather, music, or food.

10. 👋 Exit Gracefully: Wrap it up with kindness: "It’s been great chatting with you! I hope you enjoy the rest of your day."

Live well,

Brian

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References

1. Sandstrom, G. M., & Dunn, E. W. (2022). "Is Efficiency Overrated? Minimal Social Interactions Lead to Belonging and Positive Affect." Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Available at: APA PsycNet.

2. Harvard Business School (2014). "The Art of Small Talk and Career Success." Available at: Harvard Business Review.

3. Greenwald, R. (2015). "Being Interested, Not Interesting: The Secret to Better Conversations." Psychology Today. Available at: Psychology Today.

4. Abrahams, M. (2016). Speaking Up Without Freaking Out. Stanford University Press.